Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

So, I'm currently working on Good Riddance (Time of Your Life), by Green Day.

And I can't help thinking of one very distinct memory I have of this song.

When I was in 8th grade, I found myself a complete social outcast, all my friends having ditched me out of jealousy when I got into the full-time gifted program, and all the kids in the full-time gifted program ridiculing me for my awful fashion sense, my weight, and especially for not having been smart enough to get into the program sooner. It was a very lonely time for me, and a huge turning point for me when it came to my mental wellbeing (in that, it took a big plunge and I still haven't quite gotten to the point I was before then).

We went on this class trip at the end of the year to a ranch out in the white mountains of Arizona for four days. It was pretty fun, mostly because I got to make the others jealous when I got to go, say, horseback riding without them, because my mom chaperoned the trip and could sign the waivers.

And I distinctly remember one night, maybe it was talent show night or something, but one of the kids - Will, I think. He was a cellist in the orchestra with me - had a guitar, and he was playing this song, Good Riddance. Everyone sat around him, and they were crying. They were crying because the school year was almost over, and they would all end up going to many different high schools.

And because they were crying, I was crying.

But then, someone turned to me and went, "Why are you crying, Megan? We've been together since first grade -- you just joined us this year. It's not like you're going to miss us."

So I cried harder. In fact, I ran out of the room, out into the chilly Arizona mountain air, sat on the wall outside the lodge, and just cried. I cried because it wasn't so much I was going to miss them, because honestly I wasn't. I cried, because no one was going to miss me. I cried for the fact that I didn't have a reason to miss anyone. No one liked me. I had no friends, no one wanted me, no one cared. You know how they say "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" Replace "love" with "friends." I was devastated that I hadn't made any friends, that everyone had just shoved me aside without even trying to know me.

While I was crying, someone came up to me. This girl, Yue. The gifted program was split into two set of classes, and she was in the other one, so I really had never had much contact with her before. She walked up to me, asked me what was wrong, and actually tried to comfort me.

And what did I do?

I spat out "It doesn't matter. What do you care?" and ran off to cry alone in my tent.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't run off, if I had actually explained to her what it was like for me. I wonder if any of them realize what it was like for me?

Amazing, how strong such memories can spring up, all from a little song.